I wrote you one more song...

...just to tell you how I feel.


Regretting vs. Betting (click me.)




See you around.

/ Me

...I don't do that much talking these days.

Tonight I have been out walking, alone, back & forth all over town. Feet on the ground, wind in my hair, I let that darkness & that streetlightlit feeling of both calmness & beat cover me in safety again. These streets are my home, these nights are so damn familiar & I refuse to be anything but comfortable walking them. Some people find space to think in forests, next to lakes, surrounded by fields or on a mountain top. I can see that. But for me, that place, that space necessary for the big thoughts, the ones you're not even aware that you're thinking since they so completely fill up your mind, has always been the city streets, after dark, just walking purposelessly around town. Surrounded by people, houses, busses & cars, kids on skateboards, tiny dogs & telephone booths & neon signs & hobos & hipsters & gangsters & friendly faces & hurried glances & rusting cans & rotting leaves. The streets in this town are as much my home as any apartment will ever be, & I will let nothing change that. I have a memory to every corner of every block, a story in every direction you look, & most of them are good.

So I walked, & it felt right. Went & looked for my glasses again, just stood there under the trees & waited out the wanting to run. Found no glasses, but sorta found some kind of peace of mind. It can only get better, I do believe that, I do believe that it will get better from here on.


It has to.

Every day is new, & some days will never be forgotten. Today you handled something no one should have to, but most eventually will. Today was one of those days, today was one of what between us will make four, & I can only hope & pray for that time & circumstances will allow us to deal with the rest the way we dealt with the first;


together.


Sitting there, watching you, I remember thinking two things. Firstly, how it suddenly occurred to me how appropriate it is, how lucky you are, to have had the coolest dad in town. He was one of a kind, in the same independent, unaware way you are. No negotiations, no compromises, just simply, & utterly you. He stood aside for no one, changed for no one, but the people he loved. &, seeing the people you love seldom asks you to change what is truly you, he remained himself through heaven & hell. I can only wish for us to be as lucky.


Secondly, how grateful I am to those warm winds, that grey sea, the budding trees & that smell of spring, of better times ahead, that helped us through the day. That, & a pretty floral flask, that happened to be at the right place at the right time. He was one of your best friends, & I am proud to stand beside him in that line. More so, you were his best friend, & it seems to me he was watching after you today, making it as ever easy he could. There was something on your face today, something unfamiliar, something bruised, something deep-down-drowning-sad, & I will not pretend that it didn't scare me at the time. This winter left many of us a lot less blue-eyed than we could have wished for, but such is life. Living is never not a risky business (& as this is not directed to the other 'you' I find myself directing things to these days, I'll leave the double negation in) & I think we all find ourselves in a state of 'happy to be around' right now. It is not easy, nor safe. But it is all we've got.









& all we can do is cling on to it, to each other, to every meaningful conversation, every beautiful person we are lucky to meet, to get to know, in that spider-web-knitting kind of way. We might all be attached to life every so lightly, but we are attached, at all four corners.


Take care darlings. Spring is just around the bend. Greet it with me?


Love


/ D.

...

I just don't know what to do right now. So I don't.

I just sit here, wishing I had someone to share the air with.

But time has been known to fix many things, & I think we need to believe in that for the moment. To accept that we cannot understand how some things work, but simply trust that it will do it's thing. That it will, if not make sense, then at least feel like something in our past. I can't wait for this winter to fall into the 'remember when?'-category. (Or more like 'the things we don't mention again'-category.) Just hang around, will you? Stay in sight for awhile? We can talk or do whatever you want. Kill some time together.
Or in the words of a litte girl who fell through a hole in the ground:

It would be so nice if something made sense for a change.

...

Easter has never been a favourite of mine. & this one sure didn't change any of my previous sensations towards it.

Life has not treated us well lately. There's been loss. There's been misery, & there has been a need to fight when all you really want to do is give in & cry. I wish that I were angrier than I am. I wish I felt like cursing & screaming & beating & breaking something in a million little pieces. But I just don't. I can see no point in doing so.

I just want to hide away from the world for awhile. I just want to listen to 'Northern Sky' on repeat in the dark, on that green down sofa.

Can we?